We have been on quite a journey lately.

A few weeks ago, Andy and I ventured to Orlando to attend the Young Life All Staff Conference.  This conference is not just any conference, it’s the BEST conference!  It is full of encouraging speakers, deep talks with old friends, silly times at Disney theme parks and elaborate gifts from the mission.  It only happens every 4 years, so it is really a “big deal”.  It’s a week long conference.  Anna Gray and Asher stayed here with friends, while Ayla and Andee Laine went with us to stay with Mom and Dad for the week.

After getting the girls situated in Okeechobee with the family, we loaded back into our rental car, and headed to Orlando.

At the conference, we were encouraged beyond words.  We sat and talked with old friends and met knew friends.

As expected, the Lord blessed us incredibly.

 On Wednesday, Young Life “took over” SeaWorld!  It was only us at the park!  We rode roller coasters, ate BBQ, watched the dolphin show, enjoyed the Cash Family in concert, listened to Jeff Foxworthy and enjoyed a firework spectacular!  It was soooo good.  I remember thinking, “What can get better than this?  They peaked on night 3!”

The next morning, we got up and ready for Andy to interview Michael, one of our Capernaum (Young Life for kids with mental or physical disabilities) kids that has Downs Syndrome, on the stage in front of 4,000 Young Life staffers from all over the world!  What an honor and a priviledge to share about the mission of Capernaum Young Life!

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As I was walking toward the session room to meet Andy, I saw him walking briskly down the hall toward me.  I could tell by the look on his face something was wrong.  I walked toward him not sure I wanted to hear, but asked anyway, “What’s wrong?”  He said to walk with him and we quickly walked back to the elevator.  When we got in, he told me, “Adam shot himself.”   We both have brothers named Adam, I thought he was referring to his, but asked, “Your brother?”

 It seemed as if an eternity passed.

“No, your brother.”

Shock slapped me in the face.  I was stunned.  What?  No.  What?  Really?  My thoughts were racing, but still, all at the same time.  My brain just couldn’t keep up.  What?

We threw everything into our bags, texted our friends to let them know we would not see them later and ran to our car.  We drove the 2 hours to Okeechobee.  Mostly quiet.

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Our friends called us from the Great Meeting and put Michael on speaker so we could hear his interview while we were driving.

A breath of fresh air.

A moment away from the great darkness looming.

He was wonderful.

He is full of Christ and they were delighted to hear his story.

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We finally arrived in Okeechobee, and immediately went to be with my parents.

The next couple hours were a blur.  I remember walking and feeling like the world was flying by and it was if I was walking through dark water.  My legs heavy and unsure.

He was gone.

They say the shot went through his heart and it stopped shortly after.  There was nothing they could do.

He is gone.

People came and sat.  People came and ate.  People came and talked, even laughed.

I felt as if my head were stuck in a fog that would not lift.  Even though I wanted to see clear and feel normal, I could not.

Sometimes the people would talk and I would smile and pretend to listen.  Sometimes I actually could listen and the smile would be genuine, but then, there were times I would go into the back room and sit on the floor and weep for my brother.  Heart broken and heavy.   Sometimes I could even laugh and play with the kids, and then the moments would sweep over me, and the tears would fall.

We headed to the funeral home, and made the arrangements for his body.  We talked about the service and what that would look like.  We went to the flower shop and picked out flowers to sit on the casket.

We saw the people.  We ate with the people.  We talked with the people.  We enjoyed the people.

We had the service.  It was wonderful.  The flowers were magnificent.

We went to my aunt and uncle’s house for a time of visiting with the family.  It was nice.

We came home.  The food and the people had disappeared.

Our hearts still heavy.  Our loss still great.  There left in all of us is a great big hole.

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My brother, Adam, struggled with addiction.  He even attended a rehabilitation facility, that works on regeneration of the person.  Meaning, they work “fixing” this addiction, by teaching them how to become new in Christ.  And through that process, their addictions fade.

Adam did well for a while, but then began to struggle in life again.

I am saddened that his life ended in tragedy.

I am sorry that at the end of his life, he was not able to experience “life in the full” that God promises.

But, I know that he was regenerated.

He is new in Christ.

He is perfectly at peace with God in heaven.

He is not struggling anymore.

He is free.

So, I rejoice for my brother, and I mourn my loss.  It is a great loss for me.  And I will forever miss him.

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Through all of this heartache, I do not, however, question the goodness of God.  He is and forever will be good.  He and he alone.

“Lord, to whom shall we go?

 You have the words of eternal life.

We believe that you are the Holy One of God.”  John 6:36

I mean, Hey! You know me.